The Absurd Epistolary Adventures of the Astonishing FartMan chronicles the amusing escapades
of the lovable, stinky, and obnoxious Cape & Tights Super Hero, and his maudlin Alter Ego, W____,
as they learn to cope with Stage IV colon cancer, each other, and their annoying fellow human beings.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Stand Clear and Cover Your Eyes

From: W____
To: B___ and N____
Sent: Groundhog's Day
Re: Happy Birthday to J_____!

Happy Birthday to J___ E_____J______!

We wish we could be there, and we will be there soon to celebrate her birthday all over again. Meanwhile, give her a hug and a kiss from Uncle W_____ and Aunt S____. And give E___ a hug and a kiss for us, too.

I'm feeling great--thanks for asking. I was just saying to S____ how silly it seems for me to be laying around in this hospital bed with a tube sticking out of my pee pee hole when I feel so dern good.

T. A. is having a blast, flirting with the nurses, telling them a minimum of seven bad jokes a minute, and thumbing the "bonus button" on the pain pump the second the ready light comes on. I'm getting zero sleep, while he nods off constantly and leaves me to worry about keeping the epi line, and the IV line, and the pulse/respi monitor line from getting all tangled up. I've tried explaining to the doctors and nurses that I'm the Alter Ego and he's the Cape & Tights Super Hero, and that's why they're seeing these wild swings in our behavior, not to mention the wild swings in our blood pressure. We usually try to avoid showing up at the same place at the same time, but maintaining that separation is not easy to do when you're stuck in what they call "the hospital setting." The staff pyschiatrist suggests they cut back the dilaudid in the pain pump.

The holdup on getting discharged (and you'll love this): One of the criteria for discharge is that the patient must pass gas to demonstrate that the Number Two plumbing line is open for business. But, at this moment of truth, T. A. FartMan, whose ethereal emanations have heretofore stampeded elephants and summoned great whales, cannot, or will not, produce even one silent little odorless fart.

Oh, when it does happen, all I can say is . . . .







STAND CLEAR
AND
COVER YOUR EYES!


My Love to the Kiddies,
Uncle W____

!!!!UPDATE!!!!


From: W____
To: Big List
Sent: February 3, 2012, 7:45 PM
Re: Getting Outa Here!

Hey Everybody,

We're right now in the process of being discharged and will sleep in our own bed tonight! Everything went better than expected. I feel better than I have in a long time. Probably start chemo in a month or so, but I can do that in my sleep. (In fact, that's how I usually do it.)

Thanks for the prayers. I guess they worked!

Love,
W_____

2 comments:

  1. Glad you are home!!! Hope you are still doing OK.
    Jess (friend of MichelleOnLongIsland)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey FART! BLog more....you make everyone smile!

    ReplyDelete