The Absurd Epistolary Adventures of the Astonishing FartMan chronicles the amusing escapades
of the lovable, stinky, and obnoxious Cape & Tights Super Hero, and his maudlin Alter Ego, W____,
as they learn to cope with Stage IV colon cancer, each other, and their annoying fellow human beings.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Hepatic Sub-Capsular Fluid Collection (AKA "Cappy")

From: T. A. FartMan
Sent: Wednesday, June 08, 2011 7:58 AM
To: D______
Subject: Re: Advice About Large Format Printout


Thanks for the info on companies that do large format printing. I’ll check out A&E Graphics, and the other printing places you've recommended.

I’m doing okay—not great, but definitely okay. (Thanks for asking!) The fluid that our post-chemo CT Scan showed around our liver is officially known as a “hepatic sub-capsular fluid collection,” and inhabits the space inside the “capsule” that encases the liver. Such fluid build-ups are not uncommon after surgery, so we're told, but one would have expected it to have reabsorbed by now since we’re almost 5 months post-surgery.

Anyway, since this softball-sized water balloon seems to plan to stick around, I've given it a name, “Cappy,” (short for “sub-capsular”). And now there’s a "rumor" going around that somebody named Cappy will soon be joining our Cancer Super Hero Team in the role of my sidekick (a la Batman’s Robin).

Just between you and me, the rumor is true.

Although the details are still being finalized, it seemed both a logical and a poetical imperative to invite Cappy to serve as my "sidekick," since Cappy does feel a lot like a "kick in the side." (Actually, more like a swift kick in the diaphragm, but that’s close enough for government work.)

In a blog post linked here and excerpted below, my alter ego, W____ (who is sometimes mistaken for me), gets a little pissy that I am going behind his back to hire a sidekick. Well, I plead guilty. Although "behind his back" is territory no sane person voluntarily would choose to enter, in this instance I could not avoid it because W___ has jealously squelched all my previous efforts to expand our operational capacity. It's inefficient, not to mention embarrassing, that I, the Founder, CEO, and Public Face of TAF Enterprises, should have to attend to minute details, such as hiring a graphics outfit to do up our convention posters.

Anyway, here's the excerpt from W____'s latest whine-fest, which you might find entertaining:
Speaking of twisted nonsense, there had been a worrisome rumor floating around that TAF Enterprises has been in negotiations with someone to come on board as The Astonishing FartMan's sidekick.

When I confronted FartMan about the rumor, he said that since Batman's got Robin, he thinks he probably needs a sidekick, too. He says that I shouldn't worry about being replaced because a new sidekick position and my alter ego position would be two entirely different functions. He says that having a sidekick around might take some pressure off me. (But I wanna know, if the alter ego function and the sidekick function would be entirely different, how will a sidekick take pressure off me, other than by taking over part or all of my job?!?!?)

It sounds to me like it's practically a done deal already. (For the record: Neither have I approved, nor have I been consulted about the pending arrangement.)

I'm wondering, even if this sidekick isn't actually replacing me, won't the sidekick want to have his own alter ego secret identity, too? So now we're gonna have two alter egos around here competing for face time?

Fine, except I hope T.A. doesn't expect his new sidekick to live with me. Yes, I know the
various different cute boys who pulled time as Robin usually lived with Batman's alter ego, Bruce Wayne. But Bruce Wayne was what used to be called an "old bachelor" (a genteel euphemism that served the purpose just fine before some Einstein came up with "gay," an early modernism already, and none-too-soon, destined for the historical ashbin along with "colored," "crippled," "retarded," "pro-choice," etc.). Unlike Wayne, who seemed to enjoy having a sidekick mincing around his house in skimpy green briefs and “to-die-for” matching slippers, I'm a married man and there's no 5FUing way my wife's gonna put up with some half-civilized adolescent male of unsettled and dubious predilections stinking up our guest room.

Rumor is the sidekick will be known as "Cappy." I checked, and sure enough, TAF Enterprises has filed the name "Cappy" with the
Super Hero Registry. What the 5FU kind of a Super Hero name is Cappy? Maybe it was a typo, and the sidekick's name is supposed to be "Crappy." That would make a lot more sense, doncha think?


Pretty pathetic stuff, huh?

So anyway, thanks, D____, for your help with finding a good printer. And, if I could ask one more big favor: You've known W____ a lot longer than I have, so if you would help chill him out about the Cappy deal, I would be eternally grateful.

Take him to dinner at Lucio's (my treat!), get him buzzed on one of those wet-doggy-smelling Rhone wines he loves so much, and then reassure him that I told you that he is and always will be a key component of the winning TAF Enterprises business model. That should do the trick!

Meanwhile I remain . . .

Your Friend and Loyal Super Hero,
T.A. FartMan

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