The Absurd Epistolary Adventures of the Astonishing FartMan chronicles the amusing escapades
of the lovable, stinky, and obnoxious Cape & Tights Super Hero, and his maudlin Alter Ego, W____,
as they learn to cope with Stage IV colon cancer, each other, and their annoying fellow human beings.

Friday, June 3, 2011

It Just Kinda Happens

From: W_______
Sent: Friday, June 03, 2011 7:22 PM
To: V_______
Subject: A Child at Play

Dear V_______,

As I had begun to suppose might happen, I did rework my last email to you into a new blog post.

The blog version, pressed into the service of fiction, is quite a bit different from what I sent you this morning. It’s titled “A Child Lost in Play: Ubiquitous Ridiculousness Amidst Priceless Inapposite Beauty.” Yes, the title is long, and pompously ponderous, or ponderously pompous (whichever you prefer), but I like to use titles to "connect the dots." The big takeaway is,

"If you're laughing, you're living."

Anyway, you can read it by clicking here.

I hope you know that I never write an email with a predetermined intention to work it up into a blog post. It just kinda happens. You should also know that what I send you is heartfelt truth, but what ends up on the blog is twisted fictional nonsense, meant to serve purely as entertainment to distract from or ameliorate the cancer crap you and me and some other people are going through.

Speaking of twisted nonsense, there had been a worrisome rumor floating around that TAF Enterprises has been in negotiations with someone to come on board as The Astonishing FartMan's sidekick.

When I confronted FartMan about the rumor, he said that since Batman's got Robin, he thinks he probably needs a sidekick, too. He says that I shouldn't worry about being replaced because a new sidekick position and my alter ego position would be two entirely different functions. He says that having a sidekick around might take some pressure off me. (But I wanna know, if the alter ego function and the sidekick function would be entirely different, how will a sidekick take pressure off me, other than by taking over part or all of my job?!?!?)

It sounds to me like it's practically a done deal already. (For the record: Neither have I approved, nor have I been consulted about the pending arrangement.)

I'm wondering, even if this sidekick isn't actually replacing me, won't the sidekick want to have his own alter ego secret identity, too? So now we're gonna have two alter egos around here competing for face time?

Fine, except I hope T.A. doesn't expect his new sidekick to live with me. Yes, I know the various different cute boys who pulled time as Robin usually lived with Batman's alter ego, Bruce Wayne. But Bruce Wayne was what used to be called an "old bachelor" (a genteel euphemism that served the purpose just fine before some Einstein came up with "gay," an early modernism already, and none-too-soon, destined for the historical ashbin along with "colored," "crippled," "retarded," "pro-choice," etc.). Unlike Wayne, who seemed to enjoy having a sidekick mincing around his house in skimpy green briefs and "to-die-for" matching slippers, I'm a married man, and there's no 5FUing way my wife's gonna put up with a half-civilized adolescent male of unsettled predilections stinking up our guest room.

Rumor is the sidekick will be known as "Cappy." I checked, and sure enough, TAF Enterprises has filed the name "Cappy" with the Super Hero Registry. What the 5FU kind of a Super Hero name is Cappy? Maybe it was a typo, and the sidekick's name is supposed to be "Crappy." That would make a lot more sense, doncha think?

Sending love, hope, and prayers,

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