The Absurd Epistolary Adventures of the Astonishing FartMan chronicles the amusing escapades
of the lovable, stinky, and obnoxious Cape & Tights Super Hero, and his maudlin Alter Ego, W____,
as they learn to cope with Stage IV colon cancer, each other, and their annoying fellow human beings.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

"Haboob" Does Not Mean "Oops" in Arabic

From: W_____
Sent: July 9, 2011 11:05 AM
To: T. A. FartMan
Subject: You and BB Flying Out of the Haboob

Dammit all, FartMan, this time you might have finally blown it.

Have you seen the photos they got of you and your new sidekick, Bowel Boy, flying side-by-side out of that haboob over Phoenix last week? (Here's a link to the news story with the pictures.)

Yes, I know, just like always you'll come up with some half-ass excuse to avoid responsibility. You'll say you were just taking Bowel Boy out over the desert for his first training flight. You'll say nobody could have anticipated how powerful the little fella's poots would turn out to be.

Well, don't try to blame this dust up on BB. I've been around you long enough to know exactly what happened: You had to start showing off for your new sidekick. You just couldn't help yourself, could you? So it all started innocently enough, with you demonstrating the Astonishing Subtlety and Variety of your poots and bragging about how many thousands of feet high you can soar on a single blast.

Two and half beers later, whoooosh!!!!!, there's a 100-mile wide fart storm engulfing half the population of Arizona.

That's pretty much how it went down, right? That's the way it always goes with you. It always starts with you talkin' smack, and it always ends with some kind of previously unheard of unnatural disaster.

And now you act like it's no big deal, like "haboob" just means "Oops, excuse me, I farted," in Arabic.

(I don't wanna know, so please don't tell me, if you've already been teaching Bowel Boy the "flatulentio ignitio." How could we live with ourselves if your carelessness set off all those wildfires out west last month!?!?)

Lucky for you, the authorities at Roswell and Area 51 are so fixated on the aliens that they haven't been able to pinpoint you and The Cutest Little Thing as the obvious culprits. Good thing your haboob wasn't a very smelly one, or the feds would already be knocking on our door. The lawsuits would have put TAF Enterprises out of business, and you'd personally be looking at jail time for reckless endangerment, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, unathorized emission of a noxious substance, and who knows what all else.

Don't get me wrong. I'm So Happy You Ditched Cappy as your sidekick that I could write a song about it. Yes, I had warned you that hiring Cappy was huge mistake in the first place, but that's all done and over, so there's no point rehashing. I'm also thrilled you chose Bowel Boy to replace Cappy. BB is such a big step up for you. All the other Cape & Tights Super Heroes keep telling me how they can't help loving the little fella, 'cause he's just so dern cute and sweet. But could you please try to be more careful the next time you take him out farting around?

One last thing. Forgive me if I'm stepping over the line by saying this: I think it would do us both good if you would sleep more and drink less, as I remain  . . . .

Your Loyal Alter Ego,


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